Thursday, April 26, 2012

Social Work/Note to Self...


...so there i was sitting across from my counselor, when it hit me...

...apparently i mostly date guys that i feel sorry for...

...why? 

...maybe, it's complicated...maybe it's about wanting to feel needed...

...maybe i am scared of what a healthy, normal relationship might be like...i have been fixing people so long, that i, myself,  have become broken...

...i pitied my ex, with him raising his boys alone...so i caved and agreed to give my all...
...i pitied my ex (that became the father of my children), because he handed me a loaded gun and ask me to kill him if i wasn't going to date/marry him...so, i caved and gave into what he wanted...
...i pitied my first husband...because of his scars, his lack of friends, his home life...so, i caved and tried to make up for all he didn't get growing up...

...but why did i look for broken? 
...maybe because my core belief was that i was damaged, and only other damaged people would want me...

...that is a really faulty core belief...and it did not serve me well at all...
...first i did not fix anyone...and whatever good I did plant, did not secure decent treatment from them...if anything they stayed broken, and i learned to be like them, instead of them learning to be like me...

...the kicker was though, i wasnt broken...i had normal faults, insecurities and "isms'...

...these days i am learning to be ok alone...work on me...try to shy away from those who need fixing; but not because I judge them, but because it really isn't my job to fix anyone...

...this may shock some people, but healthy "self love" is good...jesus said that we are to love our neighbor as ourselves...which logically translates to it being very difficult to give love to others, if we do not have it for ourselves...lots of well meaning people bashed the book "self love"...especially well meaning christians...i heard things like that book was teaching people to be selfish and self-centered...but, that is not true...we, as healthy humans, do have to have a healthy self image, self respect and confidence in order to make it in life...if not we can become beset with a myriad of hideous hindrances...like alcoholism, relationship addiction and leading to things even more severe...

...i did not love, except if i was needed...such as with my first husband...he was just the first man i slept with...and it was ingrained in me that if i slept with a man i had to marry him...so i did...
...i did not love the man who became my kids' father...his attention was flattering...i thought marrying him would get me back into my family's good graces...but he really was very disturbing and volatile...and because of these traits, i do not want a lot to do with my family because they still associate with him...
...and i did not love my ex with the three boys...i mostly just love being needed...and sometimes if you cannot have what you want in life, you settle for what you might be willing to put up with...but how good can that be if you "settled"???

...i want a guy that thinks of me first...not like a lost puppy, but just is sincere in his desire to get to know me well...
...i want a guy i can lean into when all of my "isims" go awol...it is true that i shouldn't have all of these 'isms'...but i do...

...note to self on getting to a better place:

...learn to better manage insecurities...
...for instance, i don't want a guy who is going to beat me up (mentally or physically) for where i am, right now...
...i like to be needed...but i am not a mommie or babysitter; at least not to a grown man...
...i like to dance; but i don't like the bar scene...
...i like eating out at least once a month...
...i love listening to classical music; drinking coffee; taking pictures; and watching college football...and it is not that that we have to be joined at the hip in all of our interests, but sometimes, let it be about me...instead of me catering to you all of the time...
...i want to work...in fact, working hard right now at building two careers...if you want a clean house, clean it...if you want a trophy wife, marry someone else...if you don't like something i say, be willing to discuss it with me, or even debate it with me...but do not lay down some neanderthal type law with me and expect me to swoon...i can swoon, but will not over being told what to do...
...i want a partner, a friend, a lover...not a daddy or a warden...
...i am educated..i worked hard to become so, so do not ask me to "dumb down" or play the wall flower...instead, why not be happy that someone as smart as i am, is your partner...

...dating, courting and marriage is not social work...or at least it shouldn't be...i shouldn't have to build up, to overcome anger issues, a drinking problem or being socially inept...

...it is supposed to be fun, relaxing...sometimes spontaneous and magical...

...and for the record, if your idea of courting is getting together for sex...and we have sex for a couple of years before we talk commitment...well, that is nuts and unhealthy...just because it is socially acceptable in our culture, does not mean that is how you build a relationship...there are just as many divorces with couples who live together, as for those who don't...and we are the walking wounded when we go from one relationship to the next, to the next, to the next...i know this from first hand knowledge...






If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE.







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